I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm at about main and main street
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
