just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
