i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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