just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
