Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
