Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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