Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
