I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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