Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
