If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
