yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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