Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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