oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
