I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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