Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so let's talk penis.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
