And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
