BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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