My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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