Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
