I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
