dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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