I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you made out with another girl for some wings
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
