I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
This toilet bowl is my home.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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