I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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