he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
and you fell through a lawn chair
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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