Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
