yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
