never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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