K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
