If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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