Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
