Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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