you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
