it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
