dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
