She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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