Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
