So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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