So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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