wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
