I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
