apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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