we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
