best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
