Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
