my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
