I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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