ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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