he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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