It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
